Right Timing (2 of 3)

For dad only, a devotional on talking to children about sex:

The Problem with “Parallel Culture”

Dad, you desperately need this devotional on talking about sex with children. At age eight, I saw a Playboy magazine. My friend had found it in the gutter. We opened it and fell into a gutter ourselves. I was shocked at what the “real world” was really like. I learned more information in that twenty minutes than a child can remember from a whole year of schooling.

What is parallel culture?

I was raised in a godly home, my parents were honest, godly people. We had real church. I loved the things of God, I had the Holy Ghost, and I loved my parents. Why did I get into this and not run from it? “Sin” is the easy answer. I found it easy to sin like this because of something larger at work: parallel culture.

Society has isolated people into social silos. Children feel they are in a separate group from adults. We have created it this way. Public schools have perfected a parallel culture among young people who function amidst, yet disconnected from, their surrounding environment. Children develop their own values and mindsets. While they have to respond to the controlling influence of the adults in their lives, they learn to think and act differently.

As soon as adults are out of earshot, parallelized children will be themselves. They know what not to talk about when adults are around. What is odd is how children will get vulgar talking about sexuality when adults are not around. Likewise, men get vulgar talking about these kinds of things when women and children are not around. And women, not to be outdone, will talk about reproductive issues with other women as long as the men and children are not around. Seems like we have a sick society, which is desperate to get in the gutter.

Parallel culture will talk to your child about sex

My parents never had to explain sex to me. My friends found it funny, and though most of us really knew nothing we educated each other. The kid who found the dirty magazine would tell us of the stuff he, his sister, and his cousin would do. He told us what he saw his aunt and uncle and mom and dad doing in the living room.

I developed this twisted view of women. I thought they wanted to be like those girls in the magazines. While adults were enjoying blessed fellowship at church, I was in a side room pulling off a little girl’s underwear. Good church kids have the same evil passions of the children they hang around with.

Later, I wasn’t even ten yet, and I was undressing with another girl from the church. So much for her parents’ dramatic testimonies of God saving them from a life of sin. We were creating our own paths of shame while they visited downstairs. Thank God He spared me from actual fornication, but the doors I opened were just as bad.

Other preacher’s kids taught me more than I ever wanted to know about sex. I got around innocent children and shared what I knew and tried to get them to do despicable things. Boys would dare each other to pull down their pants. What a sad, sick culture—a parallel culture where anything was okay as long as you did not get caught. There is more wrong with this kind of culture than what can be fixed by a devotional.

How not to talk to your child about sex

Twelve-year-olds who only talk to twelve-year-olds are not properly socialized. For your children to listen to you and follow you, you need to win their hearts. They do not just need information about sex. That will destroy them, because when your back is turned they will try it. They need to learn to hate sexual sin from someone they love who hates it as well. The odds of them finding another child their age to teach them the right response is virtually none.

Many parents hope to put their kids around the right kind of kids who will influence them correctly. That is a broken concept. It will not work like that. I was a preacher’s kid who knew the right path and led several down the wrong path. I loved sin as much as the next person.

Sending your kids to a “good church program” and teens to a “good youth group” is as effective for child development as training a guard dog at a puppy farm would be. Dogs do not train dogs. Instructors train dogs. Children do not train up another child in the way he should go any more than eggs hatch eggs. God put you in their lives to influence them correctly, stop outsourcing your child’s development to someone who has no vested interest in them.

A devotional on talking about sex with children

You need to talk to them. More than that, they need to see your values in action. Do you visit websites with scantily-clad women? Do you page through Victoria Secret catalogs? Do you play movies with lots of skin and passion-filled scenes? If so, you have already spoken volumes.

Hollywood teaches that sexuality is 90% of life. They put innuendos in kids’ videos. Sex isn’t even 1%. Perhaps you need to learn this first, before you talk to them. You don’t need an Olympic-sized sex life to be happily married. In fact, sex is not a need at all—it is a privilege, an expression of love between contented spouses.

One of the best ways to talk to children about sexuality is to read through the whole Bible. There you have the right thing and the wrong things presented with consequences. Rather than the whole awkward thing of “We are going to have the big talk” going on, you can let the Bible force them to ask questions or at least prompt you to clarify what you are reading.

The following stories make great devotional moments for you to talk with your kids about sexuality. Somebody probably already has, but you need to teach them correctly. Next time, I will share the one factor that kept me from becoming a sex offender or on the records at juvenile hall.

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Read this devotional story to talk about sex with your children:

A Wrong Thing at the Wrong Time

Last time, Rusty opened a present he should not have peeked at, while at Grandma and Grandpa’s.

 

Rusty was sure Grandma would figure out what he had done, but she did not seem to notice. After his family left for home, a knot of worry tore at his stomach. He knew he was in big trouble about the helicopter, but he did not know what to say.

That night, they went to the skating rink. Rusty quickly forgot his worries when he saw his friends from church. Rusty and Misty’s church had rented the skating rink for the night, and they could not wait to strap on their roller blades.

The lights sparkled and the Christian music invited all the kids out onto the big oval floor. Shoshanna ran up to Misty and grabbed her by the hand as they raced onto the rink. Rusty caught up with Carter soon after he got onto the shiny wood floor. They both raced as fast as they could, leaving Carter’s little brother Skylar behind.

Rusty said, “Can you skate backwards?”

Carter shrugged, “Never tried.”

Rusty spun around and started skating backwards, looking over his shoulder.

Carter watched him for a minute. “It doesn’t look hard,” he said.

“Try it,” Rusty said.

Carter slowed way down and got up against the wall, where Skylar was tripping and hanging on, trying to learn how to skate.

“Push off from the wall,” Rusty said.

Carter did and rolled backwards. He put his arms out, trying to steady himself.

“Now push one foot, then the other,” Rusty explained.

“I can’t. I can’t pick up my foot,” Carter said lunging up and down.

“Then just push to one side.”

Carter tried and then shook his head. “I can’t do it. Let’s just roll forward.”

“Are those your skates?” Rusty asked.

“Naw, I rented them.”

“It will help when you get your own. Then you can practice at home.”

Rusty and Carter were just joining back in with the rest of the skaters when a girl came up beside Rusty. “I’m Georgiana,” she said.

Rusty looked at her in surprise, “Oh, hi,” he said.

“I think you are cute,” she said, and zoomed away.

Rusty looked at Carter who was laughing at him. Rusty’s faced turned red as he watched Georgiana skate ahead of them in her bright pink shorts and sleeveless shirt.

Rusty slowed down and got off the rink. Carter kept skating. Rusty looked around for his mom and dad. They were talking with other adults. Rusty rolled over to Dad.

“Well, you are back soon, son,” Dad said. “Forget something?”

Rusty shrugged. “Just seeing what you were up to.”

“Just talking, son. I’ll be out there before too long.”

“Okay.” Rusty looked around and saw Misty skating with Shoshanna. They were both laughing and having fun. That Georgiana girl skated right past them.

“I wonder who she came with,” Rusty muttered out loud. She was kind of cute herself.

Rusty headed back onto the skating floor as a slow song came on. He thought he’d heard this one somewhere before. While he was trying to remember where he’d heard it, he felt a small hand slip into his. He jumped and looked behind him. There was Georgiana.

She laughed and said, “I scared you.”

“What are you doing?” he said, pulling his hand away.

“I thought you might want to skate this slow song together.” She reached for his hand again.

“No,” Rusty said, speeding up.

“Don’t you like me?” she asked, catching back up.

Rusty shrugged. “I just don’t know you.” He caught up to where Carter was skating. Georgiana sped away.

Misty skated up to him and asked, “What did she want?”

“Do you know who she is?”

“A friend of Shoshanna’s, but they don’t get along too well. Shoshanna’s mom brought her.”

“Oh.”

Georgiana came by again. When Rusty looked at her, she winked at him.

He looked at Carter and said, “What is her problem?”

Carter shrugged. “She likes you.”

“I noticed.” Rusty sighed, “I don’t want to spend the whole night worrying about her. Let’s race.”

Rusty and Carter sprinted forward. Carter looked over his shoulder. “Here she comes again.”

“Let’s lose her,” Rusty said. They broke into a dead heat to leave her behind.

As they went around the curve, she cut in on the inside. She tossed her hair around as she looked at Rusty and made a kissy face.

Rusty slowed down. “I want to get out of here.” He turned to look at Carter and saw Dad coming his way.

“Hey, buddy. Why so slow? You aren’t worn out yet, are you?”

“No way!” Rusty said, finding renewed strength. Georgiana stayed away for the rest of the time Dad was on the rink. Rusty got to relax and have fun just skating.

When Dad took a bathroom break, Rusty decided to rest, as well. Rusty went over to the water fountain. After getting a long cold drink, he looked up to see Georgiana standing there.

“Hi,” she said with a pretty smile. “Will you go out with me?”

“No. I don’t even know you.”

“Well, that’s how we could get to know each other. Really get to know each other, y’know?”

Rusty shook his head and started back toward the rink.

“Don’t you like me?” she pled.

He did not turn around. He saw Mom talking to a friend, Shoshanna’s mom. He rolled over to their table and sat down.

“Hey, Rusty,” Mom said. “Are you worn out?”

“Naw, just resting,” he said.

“Have you met Shoshanna’s friend?” Mom asked.

He nodded.

“Be nice to her, she might start coming to church.”

Rusty sighed and glanced out at the rink. “Okay,” he said.

“Well, we are busy talking right now,” Mom told him, “go back and join your friends.”

Rusty saw Carter looking for him.

“Ready?” Carter asked.

“Yup.”

Rusty was skating for a while before Dad came back out. Every time Georgiana went by, Rusty looked away. He could tell she was still trying to get his attention. When Dad was back, Rusty relaxed, hoping she would leave him alone.

Rusty saw Georgiana skating next to Shoshanna and Misty. She was talking with her hands on her hips and scowling. Finally, she raced away from them in a huff.

Rusty sighed. He was not sure what he had done to get into this. She came flying by, looked at him and stuck out her tongue. Rusty looked up at his Dad who was frowning at him. They both slowed down.

“What is going on with her?” Dad asked.

“She says she likes me and wants to go out with me.”

Dad motioned for them to go sit down at an empty table. At the table, Dad asked, “What did you tell her?”

“That I hardly know her. I don’t know what to say. I want to be nice to her, but I don’t want to hold her hand or anything.”

“Hmm.” Dad’s forehead wrinkled.

Misty came up and sat down beside Rusty. “You know, she really likes you.”

“Puh-lease!” Rusty said.

Dad asked. “Do you think she is the type of girl you would want to marry?”

“Dad, I’m am not even thinking about getting married yet. That’s still a bazillion years away!”

“Then don’t worry about her or any girls right now. When the time comes, you want to find a girl that would be a godly mother for your children. Do you think ‘cute’ is all she needs to be?”

Rusty made a gagging noise. “No!”

Dad turned toward Misty.

“Don’t look at me!” She said, “I don’t want a boyfriend ever!”

Dad laughed. “Why don’t you guys get back out there, have some fun, and don’t let her ruin it for you. She does not know better. Just be kind, but firm.”

Rusty and Misty got back up to join their friends for a few more laps around the rink.

Georgiana came up to Rusty right away. “If you don’t go out with me, I’m gonna kill myself.”

Misty came over and said, “You need to stop this. He does not have to be your boyfriend. Why can’t you just be a friend? You don’t even know him.”

Georgiana zipped off and left the floor. Shoshanna went over to her mom. Rusty tried to ignore the whole drama. Carter helped distract him with another challenge to a race.

When the skating party had ended Rusty and Misty said goodbye to all their friends. They were standing outside in the parking lot. Georgiana came out of the building and ran past Rusty shouting, “I hate you!”

Rusty looked at Mom who raised her eyebrows.

“I’ll explain,” Dad said. “Let’s all get in.”

•       •       •

 A week later, the whole family was in the minivan again.

“Where are we going today?” Misty asked.

“We need to run out to Grandpa and Grandma’s,” Mom explained.

“Oh yeah,” Misty said with a smile, “they have that surprise.”

Dad glanced in the mirror and Misty shut her mouth.

Rusty wanted to ask what the surprise was, but he already knew. It was the gift he had gotten into and broken. Now he felt really sick and wanted to go back home.

“How am I going to tell them what I did?” Rusty wondered.

 

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Now discuss it! Help your kids learn the right view on sex.

 

Do you think Rusty is to blame for how that girl felt?

No. She is trying to guilt him into giving in to her.

 

To be nice to her, should he just say “Yes” and be her boyfriend so she will keep coming to church?

No. It is not his responsibility to get her in the church.

 

Have you ever had to deal with a boy or girl who was trying to “catch” you? What did you do?

Discuss assertive, loving approaches to resisting the advances of others.

 

What are some problems of boy-girl relationships when you are too young?

Getting into trouble. Becoming emotionally involved with someone who could pull you away from God or your family. Committing sexual sin before marriage.

 

When is the right time for you to be interested in the opposite sex?

Encourage them to see adulthood as the healthy time to pursue their lifetime mate. They need to know that right now they could make emotional bonds with someone they do not have the wisdom to realize is dangerous for them.

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Read God’s Word together:

Proverbs Seven

From a window in my house I looked through my screen. I was looking at gullible people when I saw a young man without much sense among youths. He was crossing a street near her corner and walking toward her house in the twilight, in the evening, in the dark hours of the night.

A woman with an ulterior motive meets him. She is dressed as a prostitute. She is loud and rebellious. Her feet will not stay at home. One moment she is out on the street, the next she is at the curb, on the prowl at every corner.

She grabs him and kisses him and brazenly says to him, “I have some sacrificial meat. Today I kept my vows. That’s why I came to meet you. Eagerly, I looked for you, and I’ve found you.

“I’ve made my bed, with colored sheets of Egyptian linen. I’ve sprinkled my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let’s drink our fill of love until morning. Let’s enjoy making love, because my husband’s not home. He has gone on a long trip. He took lots of money with him. He won’t be home for a couple of weeks.”

With all her seductive charms, she persuades him. With her smooth lips, she makes him give in. He immediately follows her like a steer on its way to be slaughtered, like a ram hobbling into captivity until an arrow pierces his heart, like a bird darting into a trap. He does not realize that it will cost him his life.

Now, sons, listen to me. Pay attention to the words from my mouth. Do not let your heart be turned to her ways. Do not wander onto her paths, because she has brought down many victims, and she has killed all too many. Her home is the way to hell and leads to the darkest vaults of death.

(Proverbs 7:6-27, God’s Word)

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Suggested discussion:

Do young men usually realize when a woman is after them?

No. They often like the attention and do not realize her motives.

 

From this passage, what should a guy look out for? What warning signs can he see in such a wicked woman?

She wears seductive clothes. She likes the darkness. She makes sin sound fun. She makes him think it is okay.

 

What is the purpose of wisdom, according to Proverbs 2:16?

To rescue a young man from a flattering woman.

 

How does a trouble-making girl seem at first, according Proverbs 5:3-4? What is she really like?

Starts out sweet, but then will kill your soul.

 

Role play: For the girls: A guy is after you and wants to kiss you. What will you do?

For the boys: A girl is after you and wants to kiss you. What will you do?

 

Someone just started attending church but does not know the Lord very well. Should you become romantically involved with such a person?

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Memorize it!

Proverbs 5:3-4

 

For the lips of a strange woman

drop as an honeycomb,

and her mouth is smoother than oil:

But her end is bitter as wormwood,

sharp as a twoedged sword.

Get more detail in the next devotional on talking to children about sex.

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