For dad only, how to explain sex to kids:
When Are They Ready?
Most parents struggle with finding the best way to explain sex to children. We will also look at when a child is ready to use the internet and take other risks. Talking about sex does not have to be weird or kinky. It should be up front and honest. What you will tell each child depends on their age. What spirit you tell it in will determine whether they abuse the information.
What saved me from destruction
I was on a road to sexual self-destruction before I was old enough to understand what was going on. It seemed like I was a magnet for kids who wanted to talk about perverted things. I began kicking against the restraints my parents had placed in my life and longed to go down that path of sin. Curiosity drove me forward into all kinds of shameful thoughts and interests.
I did not fall into a lifestyle of sin. I did not become a pornography addict. I did not get a teenager pregnant. I climbed out of a sewer of lust and found solid ground in my mid-teen years. At age 13, I became a rabid student of the Bible. At age 15, I began praying two hours a day and fasting up to three days at a time.
What changed?
The thing that made the difference in me is a principle I experienced then but learned much later. Jesus practiced this principle when He was a young man. At age twelve, Jesus went to the Temple and made conversation with leaders who had given their lives to studying the Scriptures. He did not hang out for three days with other twelve year olds kicking a soccer ball or telling jokes in the back alley. He gravitated to those who valued the things of God.
I developed a healthy appreciation for mature adults. I began seeking out preachers for conversation rather than hang out with immature peers. Many of my friends flaked off, but somewhere along the line I began to see the value of knowing and learning from men of God.
I would watch the debate videos of Oneness vs. Trinity. I heard preachers mention Hebrew words and how that definition colored the meaning of the text. I set out to learn Hebrew. A preacher gave me a book to introduce me to biblical Hebrew and I set to work learning it.
I went to the Oneness Pentecostal Symposium instead of hang out at the mall with my friends during General Conference. Most of my friends flaked off and did not want to hang around Bible scholars. I remember Stan Gleason recommended that I get a Hebrew Bible called Biblia Hebraica Stuttgartensia. I began saving my money. Soon I was showing off my big, black, Hebrew-Greek-English, interlinear Bible to my friends.
Yes the power of the Holy Ghost changed me. But I got the Holy Ghost at age seven, before I started down the road to sexual self-destruction. I believe the transformation in my life came because of whom I chose to hang out with.
Jesus did not just hang out with stuffy scholars. He attached Himself to his parents. He went home with them and minded them. The best way you can keep your kids out of sexual sin is to create a safe environment where they can trust you and will learn from you.
This means not screaming or threatening. This means loving not controlling. This means leading, not manipulating. If they trust you, they will tell you what their friends said. If not, they will follow their friends.
The best way to explain sex to children
I told my kids that this is not just about keeping their clothes on or not looking at dirty pictures. It is about not wanting to do those things.
It is not about how mad I would be if I found out that they did one of these sins. It is about them getting so close to God that they not desire those things. Rather than just try to avoid it, they should hate it.
The Rusty story will help you explain to your children a proper view of sex and safeguards to keep
When is a child ready to use the internet?
The quick answer: for as long as he is a child he is not ready. A person is safe to take risks like this when he or she has such a strong love for God that he or she hates the evil. If they hate it, they can be trusted around it, but for as long as they are still curious, they are not safe. Many adults should not be online.
A wise child does not want to know what he does not know. A fool digs up all kinds of filth out of curiosity. Eating the forbidden fruit was not motivated by rebellion or defiance but curiosity. If your children are still curious about sexual things they are not safe. They need enough godly council to show them the end result of such misbehavior. Once their sensual appetite has been curbed by good teaching and strong doses of the Holy Ghost, you can trust them to venture into dangerous territory.
You do not want to waste your young men’s minds by letting them see pornography. It would warp how they treat their wives. They would see women as objects of self-gratification. They would demand unnaturally sexual behavior to satisfy the fantasies aroused by the perversion they had seen. No girl should have to marry a guy who has used pornography. She deserves better.
What kind of friends should a child have?
When is a child ready for his or her own phone? When he or she is seeking mature, godly friendships. Texting some peer about nonsense all day is not preparing a child to be the next world leader—or developing him or her into maturity. Eggs cannot hatch eggs. Young people do not develop each other into adults.
Help your children attach themselves to mature adults. Make a safe, trusting environment where they will see you as someone they can come to with questions or confessions. Let them learn from you.
Homeschooling helps children grow up in a multi-generational culture: their parents, children older and younger than themselves, grandparents, or other kin and friends of the family. This is much better preparation for life than age-segregated lifestyles imposed by conventional schools. Hilter’s Germany was the result of parallel culture. So is teen pregnancy.
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Read this story, perhaps the best way to explain sex to children:
Knowing the Right Time for a Good Thing
Last time, Rusty found out they were on their way to Grandma and Grandpa’s. He is not looking forward to this.
Rusty stared out the window of the minivan as they bumped down the road to Grandma and Grandpa’s. He did not want to go, he knew what would happen.
“My birthday is not until next week,” Rusty said out loud. Then he felt dumb. He knew why they were going to Grandma and Grandpa’s, but he wasn’t supposed to know.
Mom and Dad exchanged glances at one another. Mom spoke up, “Yes, it is. Why did you bring that up?”
Rusty shrugged. “Just thinking out loud I guess.”
The next few minutes of the trip were silent. Soon they pulled into Grandpa’s driveway. Everyone hopped out excitedly—everyone that is, except Rusty.
When they got inside, Grandma and Grandpa’s eyes were sparkling as they waited for Rusty to come in. “Happy Birthday!” they called out.
Rusty tried to smile.
Grandpa held out a gift-wrapped box.
Rusty took it.
“I got you this,” Grandpa said, “because I knew you would love it.”
Rusty sat down on the couch looking at the present.
“Well, open it!” Grandma said.
Rusty sighed. He pulled back the end of the wrapping paper where he had opened it before. He was not going to be as careful this time. He tore into the paper and pulled out the box.
“Cool!” Dad said, “that helicopter looks like a lot of fun!”
Rusty nodded.
Misty said, “Aren’t you going to open it? I want to see it.”
“See?” Rusty said holding up the box. “It is a remote control helicopter.”
“So open it,” Misty said. “I want to see.”
“No,” Rusty said. “I want to save it until I get home. I wouldn’t want to break it.”
“Nonsense,” Grandpa said. “I know how to run it just fine. Open it up.”
Rusty hung his head and opened the box. The broken helicopter lay there askew in the plastic, just as he had left it.
“What is wrong with it?” Misty asked.
Rusty shrugged. “Nothing.”
Grandpa walked over and looked. A frown crossed his face. “What is going on?”
“I looked!” Rusty said. “I opened my present before and looked at it.”
“You knew you had a gift from Grandma and Grandpa?” Dad asked. “But your birthday is not until next week…. This was a secret.”
Mom said, “Rusty, I can’t believe you were so dishonest!”
Rusty sniffed and wiped his face on his sleeve. He wanted to cry, but was trying not to. “I took it out and played with it—and I messed the whole thing up.”
Grandpa walked over and looked at the helicopter. Taking it up in his hands, he examined the toy. “You broke it all right.”
The knot in Rusty’s stomach made him feel like throwing up. He knew he was in big trouble.
He was.
• • •
The next day at church, Rusty was waiting in the hall. He was not supposed to go outside until his parents were ready to go. Carter walked up and said he had heard about Rusty breaking his birthday present.
Rusty shrugged. He did not want to talk about it.
“Did you get in big trouble?”
Rusty did not want to talk about it.
Carter glanced around. “Hey,” he whispered, “look what I found on the bus Friday.”
“What?” Rusty asked.
“This,” Carter said digging at something in his pocket, “a picture from a magazine…”
Rusty said, “No.” He turned away. “I don’t want to see anything like that.” He walked out to find his dad.
• • •
At the same time, Misty was waiting for her mom who was in a meeting in the back of the building. Skylar would not stop pestering her. “Did you hear about the picture my brother found?”
“Nope,” Misty said.
“I saw a movie at my uncles. He didn’t know I was watching.” Skylar started explaining what he saw, using words Misty did not really understand. “Then, in one scene, everybody was on the beach where a—”
“I don’t want to know,” Misty said. “You are making me feel weird.”
“C’mere, I want to show you something,” Skylar said glancing around. He grabbed her by the sleeve and started into an empty classroom.
Misty jerked her sleeve away. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Anywhere, underwear!” Skylar said, grabbing at her skirt.
“STOP!” Misty screamed. She jerked away from him, and ran toward the room where her mother was.
• • •
On the way home from church, Dad said, “Well, I am proud of you both. Thank you for telling us what your friends were doing. I am sure their parents need to know what they have been into.”
“It isn’t tattling for us to tell on Skylar and Carter?” Misty asked.
“No,” Dad said. “That is something you need to scream about. Too many lives are hurt by such evil.”
“I guess I should have been more honest with you about the helicopter, too,” Rusty said.
“Yes,” Dad said, “I wish you would have.”
“Sorry.”
“You know I see some similarity between your broken helicopter, which you have to pay to fix now, and the thing Carter was trying to do.”
“How?” Rusty said, frowning.
“Well, Carter was trying to teach you things that you did not need to know anything about. When it comes to matters of sexuality, you should not learn from other kids. Remember with the helicopter, Grandpa knew how it worked and he was prepared to teach you so you could have a good time. Instead, you let your curiosity get the best of you and decided to try it out on your own.
“Now, you wish you hadn’t. Same thing with what Carter was doing. He does not know what he is doing and will regret his actions one day. Just like you should have waited to learn how to use that helicopter from Grandpa, you need to learn husband-and-wife stuff from your parents, not another child. Feel free to ask me anything, and we will talk.”
“Wow!” Rusty said. “I never really thought of it like that.”
“And,” Misty said, “just like Rusty unwrapped his present too early, I am God’s gift, too. I am not going to let some dirty-minded boy unwrap me! I am saving myself for just the right man cause I am special.”
Mom laughed. “Yes you are, honey, yes you are!”
“Mom, how did you find Dad?” Misty asked.
“Well, we were on a mission trip in South America. We had never met before that. He seemed so in love with Jesus and so was I.”
“Did he treat you like a gentleman?”
“Yes, he did. He would not even come in the door of the house where all the girls were staying. He was very respectful and kind.”
“Why did you marry him?”
“I prayed, and God told me I should. We both liked working for the Lord, and we have been helpers in the church since before you two were born.”
“Will there be a guy like that for me when I am older?”
“Absolutely,” Mom said. “Don’t worry about that, Misty. You have plenty of time to just be a kid.”
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Now discuss it! Help your kids learn why sex is a gift they should not tamper with.
Private time between a husband and wife are a gift from God. Like with Rusty’s present, sometimes children want to unwrap this gift before it is time. What happened to Rusty’s gift when he got into before he should have?
It broke. We must not get into things ahead of time or we ruin it for ourselves.
How did it go for Rusty to learn that helicopter on his own? How should he have learned about it?
It went badly. He should have let Grandpa teach him.
How will it go for you if you try to learn things about sexuality on your own or from friends? Whom should you learn from?
You will get into trouble. Ask parents about it.
Have you ever had someone stick a dirty picture in front of you? If so, what did you do?
Discuss their choices and how to handle such situations.
Has anyone tried to get you to take your clothes off? What did you do?
Discuss their choices and how to handle such situations.
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Read God’s Word together:
Amnon and Tamar
David’s son Absalom had a beautiful unmarried sister named Tamar. Amnon, another of David’s sons, fell in love with her. He was so much in love with her that he became sick, because it seemed impossible for him to have her; as a virgin, she was kept from meeting men. But he had a friend, a very shrewd man named Jonadab, the son of David’s brother Shammah.
Jonadab said to Amnon, “You are the king’s son, yet day after day I see you looking sad. What’s the matter?”
“I’m in love with Tamar, the sister of my half brother Absalom,” he answered.
Jonadab said to him, “Pretend that you are sick and go to bed. When your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘Please ask my sister Tamar to come and feed me. I want her to fix the food here where I can see her, and then serve it to me herself.’ ”
So Amnon pretended that he was sick and went to bed. King David went to see him, and Amnon said to him, “Please let Tamar come and make a few cakes here where I can see her, and then serve them to me herself.”
So David sent word to Tamar in the palace: “Go to Amnon’s house and fix him some food.”
She went there and found him in bed. She took some dough, prepared it, and made some cakes there where he could see her. Then she baked the cakes and emptied them out of the pan for him to eat, but he wouldn’t.
He said, “Send everyone away”—and they all left. Then he said to her, “Bring the cakes here to my bed and serve them to me yourself.”
She took the cakes and went over to him. As she offered them to him, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me!”
“No,” she said. “Don’t force me to do such a degrading thing! That’s awful! How could I ever hold up my head in public again? And you—you would be completely disgraced in Israel. Please, speak to the king, and I’m sure that he will give me to you.”
But he would not listen to her; and since he was stronger than she was, he overpowered her and raped her. Then Amnon was filled with a deep hatred for her; he hated her now even more than he had loved her before. He said to her, “Get out!”
“No,” she answered. “To send me away like this is a greater crime than what you just did!”
But Amnon would not listen to her; he called in his personal servant and said, “Get this woman out of my sight! Throw her out and lock the door!”
The servant put her out and locked the door.
Tamar was wearing a long robe with full sleeves, the usual clothing for an unmarried princess in those days. She sprinkled ashes on her head, tore her robe, and with her face buried in her hands went away crying.
When her brother Absalom saw her, he asked, “Has Amnon molested you? Please, sister, don’t let it upset you so much. He is your half brother, so don’t tell anyone about it.”
So Tamar lived in Absalom’s house, sad and lonely. When King David heard what had happened, he was furious. And Absalom hated Amnon so much for having raped his sister Tamar that he would no longer even speak to him.
Two years later Absalom was having his sheep sheared at Baal Hazor, near the town of Ephraim, and he invited all the king’s sons to be there. He went to King David and said, “Your Majesty, I am having my sheep sheared. Will you and your officials come and take part in the festivities?”
“No, my son,” the king answered. “It would be too much trouble for you if we all went.” Absalom insisted, but the king would not give in, and he asked Absalom to leave.
But Absalom said, “Well, then, will you at least let my brother Amnon come?”
“Why should he?” the king asked. But Absalom kept on insisting until David finally let Amnon and all his other sons go with Absalom. Absalom prepared a banquet fit for a king and instructed his servants: “Notice when Amnon has had too much to drink, and then when I give the order, kill him. Don’t be afraid. I will take the responsibility myself. Be brave and don’t hesitate!”
So the servants followed Absalom’s instructions and killed Amnon. All the rest of David’s sons mounted their mules and fled.
(II Samuel 13:1-29, GNB)
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An interactive discussion is the best way to explain sex to children:
Do young women usually realize when a man is after them?
No. They often like the attention and do not realize his motives.
From this passage, what should a girl look out for? What warning signs can she see in such a wicked guy?
He looks for ways to get alone with her. He only cares about her looks, not her goals in life or who she really is.
What could Tamar have done to not let this happen to her?
Never be alone with a guy (even her brother).
How did Amnon get the idea to trick Tamar so he could get what he wanted? What do you learn from this?
He had a friend named Jonadab. We should choose friends who love righteousness so they do not lead us down the wrong path.
How did this guy treat Tamar after he got what he wanted? Why?
He wanted her out of there because lust is selfish, not loving. Love gives. Lust takes.
Role play: Girls: a guy you trust tries to get you alone with him. What should you do?
Get out of there. There is no reason to be alone with him unless you are married.
You know someone who likes to flirt with you. Should you take that seriously and avoid that person or just play along?
Run from them. It only leads to trouble.
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Memorize it!
Proverbs 16:17
The highway of the upright
is to depart from evil:
he that keepeth his way
preserveth his soul.
Probably one of the best ways to talk to kids about sex is the highly recommended resource called “Passport to Purity.”